On the changing role

When I was little, I was often asked "What do you want to do when you grow up?" For a child, it's a pretty daunting question. Although the well-meaning grown-ups who pose it are usually just trying to make conversation, each of us soon learns the profound subtext: it is to know what is important for us, what our dreams are, and particularly who we are in this world.

I still don't know who I am in this world yet, but I know that growing up, I nurtured big dreams. I wanted to break apart from the tradition that relegates females to the home and actively pursue a career of my own, a career that allows me to reach out to the broader community and make a difference in people's lives. I never intended to play the supportive role in the family, let alone be a housewife. In fact, throughout my childhood, I loathed doing household chores, and fought with my sister all the time to escape domestic duties.

But here I am, at age 27, not only have I seen a gradual change in my life interests and priorities, I have also unexpectedly become a mother, a role that I would have never envisioned for myself half a year back. I guess having a baby is the next step that married couples do, but Huy and I were nowhere near being ready. I just finished graduate school and wanted to continue with my nascent career. Huy needed another year at MIT to complete his Phd. We had so many plans for our immediate future that do not involve a child. But I guess much of what happened in life is rather serendipitous than neatly planned. In July, I found out that I was already 4 month pregnant. I was in awe. It's not that I never suspected I could have been pregnant before that, but when the pregnancy was confirmed by both the urine test and the ultrasound, it was rather startling.

Passing the initial anxiety, Huy and I both felt overwhelmingly joyous. A baby is a precious gift from the above, and we were so grateful that it happened with such ease for us. In a way, I even liked how everything unfolded because my pregnancy was effectively reduced to 5 months, much shorter and more manageable. The first trimester had already gone by unnoticed, meaning that I managed to avoid all the unpleasant pregnancy-related side effects including morning sickness, loss of appetite, mood swings, etc. I also didn't encounter any complications in the last two trimesters and we welcomed the arrival of a perfectly proportioned, healthy baby boy in December of 2009. We nicknamed him Mun. He weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces, and measured 20 inches. He is such an angel!

Before giving birth, I always assumed labor and delivery would be the most grueling part of the whole baby experience. In my childbirth class, I got to see a video of real life natural birth cases and was well aware that labor hurts. How could it not, when you have to squeeze the baby down toward the birth canal, through the cervix and out the vagina. But when those contractions came, it was still the worst pain I ever felt in my entire life, the kind of pain that was beyond any stretch of imagination, especially when I opted to go unmedicated through labor. However, after enduring child rearing for a few days, I was convinced that the labor pain is nothing compared to the challenge of motherhood. Unlike the short-lived pain, raising a child is a much bigger and longer ordeal. When you have to take care of someone so little, so fragile, and so dependent on you for every human needs, it is a 24/7 job.

The weeks after childbirth, I was swamped with so many mixed emotions. I felt exhilarated to hug this cuddly little bundle of joy, but also on many occasions cried tears of frustration. The "so-called" baby blue appeared out of the blue, bringing on restlessness, and unexpected sadness. It's actually not that hard to understand why this happens to so many women because the change to our body and lifestyle is so drastic. On top of that, the exhaustion from a physically debilitating delivery is compounded by the round-the-clock demands of newborn care. It's no wonder women may feel down.

Mun is now almost 4 months old. I'm also more comfortable with this new role. Despite the sudden career hiatus that still drives me crazy sometimes, I love being a mom, and think that there isn't another job out there that is as rewarding as this one. Watching Mun grow and change everyday is the most gratifying part of my life right now.

Of course, I feel sad that Mun arrives in this world at a time when Huy and I are both poor grad students and we cannot give him the best of things materially, but we do have our selfless love and undivided attention to offer. I hope he will appreciate that he grows up on the shoulders of utmost caring parents.